Inside My Vault: 20 November 2011

So… my blog is predominately about fashion and all things relating to fashion, but I thought to add a little spice to some of my blog posts and include popular “womans” topics. I guess these posts can fall under the category of “Lifestyle”. The first “Lifestyle” post that I am going to post is titled: “HOW TO SPOT A GOLD DIGGING MAN"

Gone are the days of women only being gold diggers. Over the past 4 years I have encountered copious amounts of male gold-diggers, some of which I have had long term relationships with. It seems that women all over Johannesburg (and even the world) have been experiencing this flabbergasting phenomenon called “the kept man”. As woman we tend to fall in love with a man’s potential and “overlook” red flags early in our relationship; and before you know it…!!BAMMMM!! We fitting the bill all the time and not only that, we are massaging the male ego while doing it!

Here are 10 simple steps to spotting a gold-digger:

Understand what a gold digger is, and is not. There's nothing wrong with a person being concerned about your financial stability. A long-term partnership means depending on each other through the ups and downs, and being financially reliable does help with that to a degree. The difference between a gold digger and someone who values your role as a provider is that the gold digger would deride and perhaps leave you if you lost your ability to provide for them financially. A good person can appreciate your financial resources, but a gold digger appreciates only that, and will not see the relationship as worthwhile if you're not well off.

Gold diggers drop hints that they're having trouble paying their bills (sometimes they might even ask you directly for a "loan" to tide them over). They know that you don't want to see them get an eviction notice, or get their car repossessed, and you're a good person who's in a position to help. But there's a difference between a gold digger and someone who's just fallen on bad times. What you should be looking for is if, despite their situation, this person is making poor financial decisions. Do they buy a brand new car with luxury features when they're struggling to pay rent? Do they buy R2000 shoes when their phone service is at risk of getting cut off? Do they go out when their credit cards are maxed out or have no money, because they "work hard" and they "earned it"? Many gold diggers know better than to ask you to fund their more luxurious tastes, at least in the beginning; they'll tap into your desire to help them afford the things they need (food, shelter, transportation) so that they can spend their own money on the things they want.

When they discuss their financial woes, suggest ways in which the suspected gold digger can make money fast. When you mention the possibility of them selling their luxury car, video console, guitar, gold chain or any other expensive item that could keep them from becoming homeless or having their utilities cut off or car repossessed, how do they respond? The average person will be saddened and may even become angry or upset, but a gold digger will be appalled at the very idea that they should have to give up their prized possessions in order to meet their own basic needs. They'll treat the idea as ludicrous...

Look for a sense of entitlement. Gold diggers feel that they deserve to be treated well, and that includes knowing that someone is willing to spend money on them. Maybe it's because they had a bad childhood or relationship, and they feel they deserve to be happy (and it just so happens that their joy carries a high price tag). Or maybe they feel it's their right to be able to pursue their big dreams at the expense of financial stability, and, coincidentally, haven't considered who will foot the bill of their soul-searching. Have you noticed unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment? This sense of entitlement is one of the symptoms of narcissistic behaviour, which has other symptoms that a potential gold digger might harbor:

grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements)
preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions) requires excessive admiration
lacks empathy: is unwilling to recognise or identify with the feelings and needs of others often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

Ask them meaningful questions. What is the best gift they've ever gotten from you? Gold diggers will almost always cite an expensive, material object, not a uniquely personal and thoughtful gift. What's the biggest thing you ever had to give up to do or get something you really wanted? What you're searching for here is evidence of delayed gratification - the ability to give up something now so that you can achieve something greater, later. Gold diggers are notoriously spoiled or sheltered, and have never had to really wait, work, or struggle for what they want because somehow, someone was always there to help.

See what questions they ask you. Certain questions which might seem harmless might really be an attempt to judge your ability to provide. None of these questions, alone, should get you worried but all of them on the first date should definitely send up a red flag: How much do you make a year? Why would she/he ask this question? Because a gold digger is a mobile calculator, therefore every question that relates to money is calculated to determine the percentage of the total amount that she/he believes she/he "deserves". Are you a homeowner? And what type of car do you drive? They are trying to determine your overall worth and whether being with you is a profitable investment for them. How many kids do you have? Your answer to the question will help her/him determine (calculate) much of your income and attention goes to your children and how much time you can devote to her/him. A gold digger is a needy individual that will take up a lot of your money, time and energy.

Search for signs of generosity and gratitude towards you. After having gone on several dates, has this person ever offered to pay? When you do pay, does he or she say thank you? Do they ever offer to help you in other ways? (And no, physical intimacy doesn't count lol); do they cook you dinner when you've been out working late? Fix your computer? Run an errand for you when your schedule's especially tight? If these character traits are missing, is this really someone you want to get involved with? A person doesn't develop gratitude and generosity overnight...

Indulge in a pipe dream. A pipe dream is basically a long shot. Take one of your childhood fantasies and run with it. Tell the person you're dating that you're thinking about becoming the mechanic, farmer, supermodel, writer, [insert dream career here] you've always wanted to be. Explain how if you were to ever do this, it would require a significant lifestyle change; you'd have to go back to school, relocate, or whatever would make it clear that your standard of living will go down dramatically. How does this person respond? Do they seem concerned? That's normal. A good person will encourage you to follow your dreams while simultaneously helping you think of ways to do it practically and responsibly. A gold digger will look horrified or disgusted and say things like "You're not really serious, are you?" OR they are ready to call it quits and leave because you are paying attention to "you" instead of "them".

*VERY IMPORTANT* Watch yourself. It feels good to help people, whether you just helped someone avoid becoming homeless, or you're helping an aspiring artist or entrepreneur launch his or her career *CLASSIC MISTAKE*, but you have to be careful that you don't fall into a pattern where your help become the norm, so much so that without your financial assistance, the relationship would crumble. If you're the kind of person who has trouble saying "no", or who is intensely sympathetic and compassionate, you're more likely to bump into a gold digger. You might also face the feeling that this is one of the most attractive or intriguing people you've ever dated, and you don't want to ruin your chances, but don't be fooled by a good looking exterior. It could cost you.
Wherever the money is, gold diggers will be in great abundance. They are not foolish and know how to find what they seek, and that won't be in any cheap bar or club! When they visit these establishments they will be 'shopping' and will be weighing up everyone in the place to see who might offer them the best 'deal' in terms of what 'can you do for me'. They will start as they mean to go on, by insisting you buy the drinks and suggesting places you can go and things you can buy. They will drive your credit card for you, let alone the new car they might persuade you to buy them.If your Gold digger isn't blatantly asking you for gifts, then they will be very huffy and quiet if not in receipt of them but their reasons will soon become clear. You might be accused of being a cheapskate, not treating them right, not appreciating them properly!

MY FAVOURITE POINT IS #9. THIS IS THEE CLASSIC MISTAKE MOST OF US MAKE THAT FIND OURSELVES WITH A GOLD DIGGING PARTNER. Generally speaking whether you are dating a female or male gold-digger, finances will ALWAYS be a 'sore' topic of conversation. If you suspect you're man or woman of having alterior motives for being with you, you need to wake up and start noticing the signs...

A GOOD READ: Female Author Harrison Knight, writes an intoxicating story that shows how greed overshadows human frailty while compromising moral integrity